This Is Not Only About Me Now...

I'm sure everybody knows that, we will always be the prettiest mommy in the world for our kids, no? At least this is the case for me... For her eyes, I'm so pretty. When I change my hair, when I do my nails, when I wear a nice dress, she will always be the first one to let me know how nice I look. But I also know that, at her age now, she's aware of different types of body and specially the cause of it.

She always loved pretty girls. She a princess type of little girl, always like to wear pretty dresses, put a bit of sparkles on her eyes for special days, wear a few kids jewelry, go in front of the mirror and play with her hair. She also always tells me when she see a pretty woman "OMG mommy look at her, she's so beautiful". Not the type of anorexic non-healthy girl, not necessarily super thin either, but women that clearly are taking care of themselves.

I wish I could be this healthy mommy for her, for them. At one point, she asked me why I had a big belly, and I told her it's because mommy is not eating really well and don't exercise, so I'm having difficulty to loose the weight I gained in the past. And she simply answered (because it's always so simple in a kid's head) ''Why don't you eat healthy food and exercise then?''. I wanted to answer at first that it's not that simple, but in reality, it is. It is that simple. Not easy, but yes, the formula is really simple. And at the same time, what kind of influence does this have on my kids?

And I'm not only talking about the way I look, but my health also. If I want to be healthy for them, with them, the way we live need to change.

Retrospection

When I was young, around 9-10 years old, I had a normal weight, but I started to eat my emotions. It got out of control and I got obese pretty fast. I was bullied at school, nothing major, I had good friends and everything, but still a mean comments here and there, and obviously it was hurting my feeling. When we were at the park, when playing seesaw there was 2 kids on one side and only me the other side so it could balance. If I was forgetting my shirt for the gym, I couldn't borrow one from my friend because it was too small. I had to shop in plus-size stores, so the clothes were more for older woman than a young girl. It was all these day-to-day things that was affecting me a lot. During one summer, I went on vacation alone with my mom. We rented a chalet next to the water, with a pool there and enough place to play and run around. Within those 2 weeks, I made so much exercises without knowing, that I lost some significant weight. When I came back home, I got all sorts of compliments from everybody. I felt SO good. It was amazing. It's unimaginable how I felt. So I continue that way, until I lost almost everything. The feeling I had when I manage to fit in girl clothes wow crazy. I was a kid again. I kept a normal weight for all these years until my pregnancy when I was 21.

 

I always feel disgusting about myself. I'm ashamed of myself at work when I walk in the hallway, when I have to stand up and talk during a meeting, I run away from any kind of pictures, I don't want to go to social events because I feel like I'm the big fat elephant of the night. When we have a lunch during a meeting, I'm shy to take some food because I feel like everybody will think "Oh look at the fat girl eating all the food". And this is only work related.

 

At home, even if my man keeps telling me I'm pretty, that my older daughter (the young one doesnt talk much yet) keeps telling me I'm the prettiest mommy in the whole world, I don't find myself pretty anymore. I used to be happy of what I was seeing in the mirror, but now I feel terrible. I want to get back to that point. The time I was happy when I was looking at the reflection.

 

But it's not just about me now..

Pictures Through The Years...

Here's a few pictures of me through the last 9 years...

 

The first picture it's me on vacation, a month before I stop smoking and gained my first 30 pounds. I was at that time 140 pounds

 

 

The 2nd picture, it's me just before I got pregnant, around Christmas time. I'm at 170 pounds. 

Still not bad at all!

 

 

This is me a few weeks pregnant with my first little girl. 

 

 

This is me a few days before I gave birth, September 2011. 

I'm at the highest I've never been, 245 pounds. 

My man never made me feel like I was disgusting, always 

telling me I'm pretty even if I looked like a whale ready to explode hehe. 

I only lost 5 pounds when I gave birth (pre-mature baby at 36 weeks)

 

 

This is at my daughter's baptism, she was 18 months. It was in 

april 2013. I still didnt lost my weight. I've been trying, but I was

so discouraged, it never really worked out. 

 

 

This is us, at my 2nd daughter's baptism in May 2016, so 3 months ago. I'm at my highest weight ever, 255 pounds. My man also gain a few pounds (nothing major like me, but he gained 25 pounds in the last year). 

 

 

We've been working crazy hours, leaving the house around 1pm but coming

back home late at night (pass midnight). We were eating after work, going to bed around 1:30-2am, and getting up with the girls around 6am. So eating before bed and no sleep (barely 4-5hours per night) is clearly not good. But now, we both got really good schedules at our jobs, I'm now doing a 7am to 3pm, going to bed early. It's time to get back on track.