Retrospection

When I was young, around 9-10 years old, I had a normal weight, but I started to eat my emotions. It got out of control and I got obese pretty fast. I was bullied at school, nothing major, I had good friends and everything, but still a mean comments here and there, and obviously it was hurting my feeling. When we were at the park, when playing seesaw there was 2 kids on one side and only me the other side so it could balance. If I was forgetting my shirt for the gym, I couldn't borrow one from my friend because it was too small. I had to shop in plus-size stores, so the clothes were more for older woman than a young girl. It was all these day-to-day things that was affecting me a lot. During one summer, I went on vacation alone with my mom. We rented a chalet next to the water, with a pool there and enough place to play and run around. Within those 2 weeks, I made so much exercises without knowing, that I lost some significant weight. When I came back home, I got all sorts of compliments from everybody. I felt SO good. It was amazing. It's unimaginable how I felt. So I continue that way, until I lost almost everything. The feeling I had when I manage to fit in girl clothes wow crazy. I was a kid again. I kept a normal weight for all these years until my pregnancy when I was 21.

 

I always feel disgusting about myself. I'm ashamed of myself at work when I walk in the hallway, when I have to stand up and talk during a meeting, I run away from any kind of pictures, I don't want to go to social events because I feel like I'm the big fat elephant of the night. When we have a lunch during a meeting, I'm shy to take some food because I feel like everybody will think "Oh look at the fat girl eating all the food". And this is only work related.

 

At home, even if my man keeps telling me I'm pretty, that my older daughter (the young one doesnt talk much yet) keeps telling me I'm the prettiest mommy in the whole world, I don't find myself pretty anymore. I used to be happy of what I was seeing in the mirror, but now I feel terrible. I want to get back to that point. The time I was happy when I was looking at the reflection.

 

But it's not just about me now..